Odd Girl Speaks Out Page 7

  Before I saw the pictures I had asked her why no one called me that weekend and what they did. She said they didn't really do anything and that they just all hung out at each others' houses. Because they all live in the same neighborhood, they didn't call because they didn't think that I could drive in the snow....

  Things just seemed to escalate. They stopped waiting for me to go to lunch with them, stopped calling me on the weekends. You know how girls sometimes give themselves and their group a nickname? They made whole new ones that did not include me.

  I was devastated. In my high school you're friends with everyone, but you have your group of girls that you travel around with. I felt completely alone and isolated from everyone. Even my family tried to console me, but I still felt completely alone. I cannot even come close to describing how hurt I felt. I constantly had this physical tearing feeling in my heart.

  My room is covered in pictures, drawings, collages, posters we had made together, inside jokes, traded clothes, knickknacks from trips we had all taken together, and every time I looked at them it was like looking at a life that I no longer had. I don't understand how people can be so cruel and not even realize it.

  For about two months this went on. I didn't talk to ONE of them. They would always be together in the halls and I would be alone. I would pass right in front of them and they would not even acknowledge my presence. And I felt like when I passed, they would just laugh at me because I was always alone at lunch and in the halls. All I did was hang out with my boyfriend, and sometimes he would skip one of his classes and drive to my school to take me to lunch. He was the only person who could console me and somewhat make me understand that there was nothing wrong with me.

  It wasn't until prom that they talked to me. They never even really apologized; they just tried to act like nothing happened. I was so bitter and full of resentment. Things between all of us weren't really cool on the surface until I started my senior year and decided that I wasn't going to spend it alone.

  As far as their side of the story goes, I never really got it. One of the girls acts like she did nothing wrong and just went along with the other two girls. She also told me that Hillary said that she didn't do anything wrong.

  I always asked what I did and no one would tell me. But thinking back on that time in my life, I remember one time about two weeks before this started we were all four in the car on a Friday night, and they all just started to pick me apart and tell me everything they didn't like about me. They said things that you should never ever say to someone that you call a friend, much less your best friend.

  Hillary's reason was that her mom didn't want us hanging out anymore, but I don't think that that's true. I think it was hard as well to be friends with me when I was still with Kevin, because my boyfriend and hers were best friends and this guy was her first for everything. He was her first love, he took her virginity, he told her everything that she wanted to hear and then dropped her because he was going to college. So I think that it was hard for her to be around me when Kevin and I were still together, but that's just a theory.

  I know that these girls think of it as just another fight that we had, and don't really understand how bad it messed me up. I don't trust girls now, and I don't trust my "friends."

  All I have ever wanted was a best friend, the type you see on Oprah that are forty-five and still like sisters. Maybe someday I'll find a girl who I can trust, but I found out that girls at this age are mean, malicious, and liars.

  —AGE 18

  Please ... Listen to My Cries

  I don't know what's going on

  I can't tell which way to go

  I am so lost and confused

  You don't even know.

  My mind is such a mess

  I don't know what to do

  I need some way out

  I wish that somebody knew.

  I cry for help all the time

  And wish that someone would care

  This pain and confusion I have,

  It is just too hard to bear.

  Someone please help me

  Before it is too late

  I need someone's care and love

  Please help me, don't wait.

  —AGE 17

  The Sound of Silence

  When your friends turn on you, there's not much you can do except wait it out.

  It usually happens like a thunderstorm. The sky is beautiful and blue, and without warning it turns black. The storm thrashes and booms, then the sun comes out again. Similarly, your friends need to get the anger out of their systems. I have heard many, many stories of girls who get totally annihilated by their friends, and then, out of nowhere, they walk up to her and say, "Hey, we're sorry about before. Can you come out this weekend?" The formerly rejected girl is like, "Hello? What?" (And her mom goes nuts, having vowed never to allow her precious girl to see those horrible creatures ever again.)

  But that's not much help at this moment. What do you do right now?

  Every three days, try to talk to the person who is controlling the group's anger. If there's more than one, approach each person, one at a time. Girls get their negative power from the support of others; that's why they're often nicer one-on-one. Do not talk to her on-line (see more about this on page 144).

  Go up to her in the hallway, bathroom, lunchroom, or parking lot. Look her in the eye and keep your voice calm. Try not to cry. Tell her you want to know why she's upset, and that you want to apologize if you've done anything wrong. Tell her you're upset, too, and that you'll do what it takes to make things right. If she walks away, wait three days and try again.

  Find someone else to hang with. Don't stand there in the hall or sit at lunch staring longingly at your friends. It will just provoke them to act like they are having the greatest time ever in your absence. Once you find someone else to talk with, don't act like you are having the greatest time ever in their absence. That will only make your friends angrier.

  Don't try to replace your old friends with new people. Even if you're wishing every girl in your old group comes back in her next lifetime as a flea, that's your hurt and anger talking. When the day comes that you make up with them, you'll probably end up spending less time with or, let's face it, even ditching the new people you found. Is that okay? Not really, but it's what happens in these situations.

  You owe it to any new friend you make not to make any promises you can't keep. If you end up adoring her and think you've found your soul mate, great; but be honest with yourself about what you'd do if you could have your old friends back. You have to consider your new friend's feelings and recognize that by ditching her you'd be doing what people are doing to you right now. If you end up being rude to her once you're back in good graces with your old group, you are turning on your new friend the same way your old ones turned on you.

  You may be waiting for this hell to end, or you may have decided to move on; either way, you're going to need some positive energy in your life. Add something new to your day—sports, working out, a club, volunteering, a job, a class, maybe a hobby. Get obsessed with eighties movies or Harry Potter or an online community. Crochet. Do something. It'll take your mind off your temporarily lousy life, and you'll get to meet new friends in the process.

  You feel terrible. Talk to someone about it: a parent, relative, teacher, mentor, social worker, psychologist, or guidance counselor. It helps to get your feelings out and have someone listen who won't judge you.

  Keep a journal. I did when I was younger, and there were many times when it was the only "person" I had to talk to. A journal helped me organize my thoughts in a new way. It led me to deep insights about my relationships and new conclusions about myself.

  Get online and become part of a teen cybercommunity. Join some list-servs and groups, or a chat room. Check out www.gurl.com or find a cool teen e-zine. I have learned from experience that when you're lonely, you can find good company in the strangest places.

  Keep perspective. You are hurting, you
are scared, you feel alone, but this will not go on forever. Believe me. Misery will not be the only thing you ever know. And as you can see from the authors in this book, there are silver linings to the clouds, although it may take a while to find them. Cry and scream and freak out, but remember: This will end, and your life will be rich and pleasurable and long ... long beyond the girls who are bugging out on you.

  If it gets really, really bad, see your guidance counselor or ask your parents about seeing a therapist. These situations have led many girls to develop clinical depression, anxiety, and other serious problems. Don't underestimate your feelings. We may live in a world that says girl bullying is no big deal, but you don't have to listen. Get help if you need it. All you have to do is ask.

  Consider changing schools if you can. This is appropriate only in extreme circumstances. I have never met a girl who switched schools and wasn't happy she did. It's a chance to start over with a whole new set of people. If your thunderstorm seems like it will last forever, it may be just what you need.

  Losing Trust

  "I'm not friends with girls. Most of my friends are guys. They don't stab you in the back. With guys there's no drama. It's less complicated."

  I've heard more girls than I can count say things like this. When girls break your heart, running away feels right. Even becoming a loner feels better than getting hurt again. Although it may not seem like a big deal right now, abandoning all hope of friendship with females is one of the biggest mistakes you can make in your life.

  I'm not saying it doesn't make sense to feel that way. One of the first lessons you learn as a little kid is how to be friends with someone. You learn that if you're nice to someone, they'll be nice back. When your friends turn on you without warning or reason, it blows that lesson to smithereens. When one day you have an amazing group of friends and the next day no one speaks to you or tells you why, how are you supposed to ever trust anyone again?

  First of all, it's rare for girls to be victimized by their friends more than once. Every girl I interviewed who changed schools as a result of being bullied said she was much happier, even popular, in a new place. When girls hurt each other that severely, it's usually the result of a long buildup of specific problems that won't be repeated in another situation.

  Second, you may not realize it now, but when someone hurts you, you learn things—about people and yourself. You're going to get better at checking out new friends and picking the nice ones to keep close. That's one of the few good things about pain.

  Take your time when you meet new people. There's no rush. Deep scars have to heal. But if you stay convinced girls will hurt you, it's like opening your wound again and again. For if you forget about girls for good, you allow the ones who hurt you to win. You deprive yourself of a lifetime of girls' nights out, ya-ya sisterhoods, late night phone calls, and the amazing rush you get when you look at the person who is your best friend and know she feels exactly the same way. One of the ways to triumph over your turmoil is by leading a normal life of healthy intimacy with other girls.

  Avoid other girls and you'll feel the loss in more than just your friendships. You'll also hurt yourself as a future leader. Ever hear of the Old Boys' Network? It's a system of older men helping younger guys move up the ladder of success, and it's one of the biggest reasons women still fall behind men at the highest levels of power. Women have to create networks, too. Experienced women have to take younger women under their wings, and girls have to seek out mentors. If you scorn girls in your social life, you're not going to walk into the office one day and suddenly be able to forge positive relationships with female colleagues and superiors.

  Trust is a confusing thing in female friendships. The best and worst part of girls is how fast we can fall—yes, for each other. Think about it: It's very romantic, not in a sexual way, but in that fairy tale, we're-meant-for-each-other-and-will-be-together-forever kind of way. Finding your best friend is like having a light turned on inside you. You close your eyes and jump, and most of the time, it's the most amazing kind of free fall.

  When I was on the Oprah show, a young woman in the audience told me about being hurt so severely by girls that she feared she could never trust anyone again. She felt she had no choice but to protect herself fiercely.

  I told her this: Trust is something you build gradually with another person. You can't fall into friendship with someone until she's proved herself to you as a friend, and that comes only with time.

  When you're ready, try this: If you've found someone you think you may want to be closer to, tell her a little secret, one you could live with becoming public. See what happens. If the secret gets back to you—if she told someone—you know she's not a good friend. You can walk away, or pull back relatively unharmed.

  Intimacy with other females is one of life's most wonderful treasures. The beauty of the human spirit is its ability to regenerate, even in the face of risk: We hurt, recover, and want to try again no matter how much pain we feel. Yet healthy intimacy with someone is also very hard work; it's something you build, piece by piece, day by day. With patience and faith, you will find closeness with a girl who will earn your trust.

  It's The Way Girls Survive

  Aggression, Fear, and Revenge

  In this section, writers explore the darker side of girlhood and themselves. I applaud their courage. When you grow up in a world that asks you to be nice all the time, admitting that you're not, or that you've acted in ways you regret, is a risk.

  These girls write about transformations: A girl goes from riches to rags when a queen bee gets her just desserts; from victim to bully when a girl makes the decision to turn her own pain into someone else's; and from witness to bystander when a girl becomes a "bully by association."

  People brush off girl bullying as a "phase" or "girls being girls" because so many girls hide their ability to hurt others. Girls reach for the impossible ideal of being nice 24/7. They're quick to say they've been victims, that they're nice, that they'd never do anything terrible like those other mean girls.

  Because girls are taught that expressing anger directly is wrong, many girls (and women) have no choice but to resort to secret acts of meanness. They project an image of themselves that others think is "fake." These "nice" girls separate themselves vehemently from those who have dared to show aggression, calling them bitches and skanks. They turn "mean" girls into unfeeling monsters, rather than the human beings they really are. When "good" girls deny their own anger and punish the ones who don't, they empower the culture that is forcing them to be nice all the time.

  By coming forward with their stories, these brave writers show us that the aggressors, as much as their victims, are in need of our attention, help, and compassion. These girls provide the best proof yet that girls' aggression is more than a "rite of passage," and that really good girls aren't always so nice.

  I Was My Own Worst Nightmare

  People think it is something one "gets over," but believe me, it's not. I was bullied in junior high and it is an experience that still affects the person I am today. It is something that will always be a part of me and something I will never forget. I really don't think I could ever forgive those girls that made my life miserable.

  I was bullied, and then became the aggressor later on in life. In junior high I attended a small, upscale, private school in the Midwest. Unlike larger public schools, we had small classes of about twenty or so people. Few new kids came to our school and few kids left. It was always the same kids in the same classes, all of us together, and I believe this was a recipe for trouble.

  I wasn't like the other girls. I was tall, thicker than most of the other girls. My family didn't have very much money, while the other girls came from wealthy families. My relationships with the girls were very hot and cold. One minute we were all the best of friends, but at any moment, the girls would turn on someone, usually me, and I would be completely alone.

  Being in such a small school, when one girl hated you, all of
the girls hated you, and most of the boys went along with it. And it wasn't just the grade I was in that hated me; the grades both above and below me would despise me as well. More often than not, I wouldn't even know why the girls were angry with me. But sometimes it would be a complete betrayal.

  I would say something to one of the girls, usually the one I was closest to at the time. I would say something to her in confidence, and because she wanted to be popular, she would run to another girl, stab me in the back, and tell that other girl what I had said.

  The result was a snowball effect, until finally what I had said had been changed so much. One time, I was so upset and so tired of being bullied and ignored that I called my grandmother and asked her to pick me up from school. I just couldn't handle it anymore. I was sick of being alone. I was sick of eating lunch by myself. I was sick of fighting back tears and I was sick of being told by teachers to just ignore the other girls. They made it sound so easy, but how can you ignore an entire class of girls calling you names?

  Once out of middle school I thought things would be different, but they weren't. My first year of high school, I attended an all girls' private school. My first few months were great. I made a lot of friends and for once I felt popular and happy with who I was. But I made one false move, and everything changed for me.

  I began dating a guy another girl had a crush on. I barely knew the girl and had no idea she had feelings for this boy. When I broke up with him, she started vicious rumors about me and somehow managed to "steal" all of my friends from me. It was slowly at first, a few calls not returned, a few dirty looks. But within a few weeks it escalated into a full-blown showdown during lunch. All thirteen girls ganged up on me at our lunch table, accusing me of saying things I had never said. They called me everything from a liar to a slut.