Odd Girl Speaks Out Read online

It was freshman year of high school at an all-girls' school, and Maya was in my math class. It was honors algebra. She was also in my homeroom. I thought she was so cool. She had these bright pink shoelaces, and she had this aura of confidence about her. A couple of months into the school year we started to hang out.

  We always had fun together. We would hang out at the local theme park, go to the mall, or just spend the night at each others' houses. But it wasn't just the two of us. Two friends from my old school also hung out with us. Ellie, one of them, didn't like Maya. I knew this, but to be nice, she would still hang out with us. Jenny, my other friend, became superclose with Maya also, which I didn't mind because it made it easy for the three of us to hang out.

  After a few months, I started to notice negative changes in my personality. You see, Maya was an only child and was used to a lot of attention. She was slightly on the selfish side but I didn't really mind. I am the youngest of three children, and by default given a lot of attention myself. I found myself competing with Maya for attention. This brought out a lot of selfish tendencies in me. When I began to notice the changes in me, I knew I had to do something. I just didn't know what.

  One weekend Maya invited Jenny, El lie, and me up to her beach house for the weekend. Ellie politely declined the offer with some conveniently made-up conflict. However Jenny and I accepted; we had previously spent a weekend up there and enjoyed it.

  Jenny had an appointment the day that we left, but I just went to Maya's house after school. While there, I was stuck with Maya's nostalgia. We watched what seemed to be four hours of her dance recitals. I simply couldn't take it anymore, but I kept it in because we would be together all weekend. Jenny finally arrived and we headed to the beach house.

  On Saturday morning, Maya and Jenny woke up early and tried to wake me up. I was tired and told them that I wanted to sleep. They let me sleep, but while I was sleeping they went to the little shop that was my favorite, without me. When I got up they were still gone but returned shortly.

  I didn't know what they did while I was asleep and didn't find out until Sunday, when I asked if we could go to that store and they said they already had while I was sleeping. I simply couldn't take it any more. I put on a good face for the rest of vacation, but knew it wouldn't last any longer. When I got home, I knew it was time to end it.

  I tried to avoid conflict but really hit it head on. Monday morning I avoided talking to Maya at all costs. She just thought I wasn't feeling well. By Tuesday she knew that something was wrong. I simply told her that I didn't want to be her friend anymore.

  On Wednesday she had one of my best friends on her side, Jenny. Jenny wrote I was a bitch on Maya's hand before school one morning. Ellie, who somehow remained neutral, informed me of something on Maya's hand but wouldn't tell me because she knew it would offend me.

  In homeroom that day, I had a friend go and see what was written on her hand. At first she showed her clean hand. But my friend asked to see the other hand. She reported back to me and I told our homeroom teacher. Ms. Baker talked to her until the end of homeroom. When questioned about it, her only defense was that she wasn't the one who wrote it.

  The next few months were long. Maya could not accept the fact that I didn't want to be her friend. This was partly my fault because I wouldn't tell her why, just that I didn't want to be her friend. Things kept escalating. Once a week we were in the counselor's office because I was affecting her grades.

  I didn't understand: Why couldn't she just get over the fact that I didn't want her to be my friend? What did they think was going to happen? That we would magically make up? Besides the counselor's office, we were also in the dean's office. Everything seemed to be poor Maya, poor Maya. Not to mention that we always had these meetings at her convenience, not mine.

  I had no clue that I was being looked at as the bully. She was the one who took my best friends. She was the one who drove me to it. Why is it my fault that I don't want to be her friend? Why do I need to explain that to anyone? She always accused me of spreading rumors. Sure I was, but she was doing it just as much. Why was I the one being punished?

  She was eventually able to move on and get over the fact that I didn't want to be her friend. The saddest part, however, is that my social status climbed and hers dropped. She was hanging out with the smelly cats, the kids who don't fit in socially; they're nice, but it could ruin your rep if you talk to them.

  My tendencies haven't changed, I still hold everything in but I make sure that people aren't influencing me poorly. Maya, however, left our school the next year. It was reportedly because she didn't like her teachers, but everyone knew the real reason. I changed someone's life forever because I simply couldn't tell her how I felt.

  Our society put me on a pedestal for it. I secretly know the truth. And I will have to live my life knowing I did that to someone. Yet I still can't understand why it is my entire fault. I was protecting myself. Am I sorry? Yes. Will I ever have the chance to tell her? Probably not.

  —AGE 17

  We Were Best Friends in Fifth Grade

  We were best friends in fifth grade. Amy and I happened to be sitting next to each other that first day of school. Her other best friend, Camille, was in the other fifth grade class, and they still spoke often. However, Amy and I had more time together, and so our bond grew. We used to have sleepovers and watch movies and other things that little girls did. I don't go to sleepovers anymore.

  Later that year, my eyesight began to worsen and I needed glasses. The first time I went over to her house, all I remember is standing in her bedroom, telling her to shut up, as she called me four eyes. The thing about Amy was that no matter how many times I told her to be quiet, she'd just keep on saying whatever she wanted, louder and louder, until it began to invade the dark corridors of my mind. After that day, I didn't wear my glasses anymore. I spent the rest of my childhood blinded to the world.

  When sixth grade came, my worst fear came true. Amy was in my class, but so was Camille. Somehow, even within my inexperienced mind, I knew it was over. Amy sat with Camille that first day of school, and every day after that. She began to exclude me from her conversations, saying, "I need to talk to Camille alone." They would end up going over to the other side of the playground, giggling. Soon enough, they just did not talk to me very much at all.

  In eighth grade, we became friends again. Not exactly really good friends; I was never invited to sleepovers or parties. She was still friends with Camille, but had acquired another trooper. Melissa had transferred to our school in seventh grade. The three of them were inseparable. I don't think they went anywhere without the others. They would let me sit at their table while they ate. Sometimes they'd talk to me; sometimes they wouldn't. In ninth grade, I became closer friends with them. Once they thought I was depressed, and they gave me this basket full of goodies. I shouldn't have taken it.

  That winter there was a dance. I was really excited about it, and I asked them if they were going every single day that week. They all said, "Well, no, we decided not to go." I asked them the day of the dance; I got the same reply. I called Camille up the night of the dance; she gave me the same answer. I decided not to go, either.

  The next day at the bus stop, my cousin Lauren asked me if I was at the dance last night. I told her I decided not to go because my friends hadn't. Then she told me something that sent chills down my spine.

  "But your friends were there, I saw them. They were doing that dance. You know, the one they always practice at noon hour in the hallway?" I actually accused her of lying to me.... This haunted the back of my mind all that day.

  That night, I decided to consult another source. Mimi and I had spent a lot of time together the summer before. She was always really nice to me, but I never really fit in with her clique. I knew she'd tell me the truth. When I got her e-mail, I shook so hard that the keyboard rattled. She said they were there. They were all there. "Why would they lie to you?" she said at the end of her e-mail.

  Th
e next day at school, I cried through the morning announcements. Mimi and her friends looked really mad at Amy and her friends. I heard one of them say, "That's a sin. That's mean." Amy wouldn't have it this way, I knew she wouldn't.

  "So what's wrong?" she asked me at recess.

  "You guys were at the dance, you said you weren't going. You said you didn't go the day after, even."

  There was a silence.

  "Well, we never wanted to hurt your feelings. We didn't plan to go to the dance together. I wanted to go by myself, you know, to see what would happen. I was really disappointed when I saw Camille and Melissa there. I guess we just all decided on our own to go. What a coincidence, eh?"

  What are the chances of that? I thought.

  "I thought no one would ever hurt me again. I trusted you," I said, crying.

  "It wasn't meant to happen," Amy said. "You should become more independent."

  Melissa called me up that night, wanting to talk about what had happened.

  "You shouldn't have told Mimi. Now everyone knows. Amy is really upset."

  "Well, if it didn't happen that way, you shouldn't be worried. All I did was ask Mimi a simple question. She gave me an answer. Who am I supposed to talk to about my problems? Aren't I allowed to have any friends?"

  "Why don't you talk to us, from now on?" Melissa replied.

  The next day I didn't hang out with them. I was going to become more independent. I asked out a popular boy from school and he said yes. We became girlfriend and boyfriend. Amy must not have liked that. I hung out with him every noon hour; we would talk about how our days were while we walked around the hallways. He would give me chocolate and candy and stuffed animals and cards and letters that said I love you. Amy demanded to read one of them once.

  "Wow, you're really lucky. This guy seems like a rare gem."

  I thought my friendship with Amy was over for good. I was wrong. Later that spring, my homeroom teacher decided to change around the seating plan, leaving me sitting next to Amy. He probably thought we were still friends. So I sat by her every day. She'd always ask me if I had my homework done, and she'd peer over to check.

  "Why didn't you buy any raffle tickets on the chocolate Easter bunny?" she asked me.

  "I just didn't want to win it, that's all. Too much chocolate for me," I said.

  "Well, you could have raffled it off again and taken the money for yourself!" she said, like it was the obvious decision. "I guess you weren't really thinking, now, were you?" I didn't know quite what to say.

  "Who do you think you are? Do you think you're better than us? You're so mean and stuck up!" she said, and she did it again. She said it louder and louder and louder. I walked out of the room as my teacher walked in.

  I was crying; he asked me what was wrong. He was friends with Amy's parents. He was their next-door neighbor.

  "You wouldn't understand, I just want to go home."

  The next day, the principal had a meeting with Amy and her parents. Someone else had reported what had happened. To this day, I still don't know who it was. He made the teacher change the seating plan. But Amy ended up getting my old desk and getting to sit by her friends.

  At the end of the year, Amy won the peer mediation award, Melissa won the band award, and Camille won the academic award. I had a 97 percent average that year. I didn't win anything. I should have seen that one coming. The guidance counselor wouldn't look at me anymore; my homeroom teacher acted like nothing had ever happened. I left school that year and never looked back. Now we're in high school, and my ex-boyfriend is friends with Amy, Melissa, and Camille. I am alone, but I am victorious. I will never regret standing up for myself. I will never resent the consequences.

  —AGE 16

  We Can't Be Friends Anymore

  Jenna and I have known each other since we were in preschool. We have gone to temple, school, camp, and for a while had Bat Mitzvah tutoring together. This past summer had been an interesting experience for both of us. Two summers ago, our second year at camp, we had to go to two different sessions. I had to go first session; she had to go second.

  During that session, I met someone who would probably be my closest friend for the rest of my life. Her name was Amanda. Amanda and I were inseparable. The following year, when I found out we had to go different sessions, Amanda and I were both devastated; but then I found out Amanda would also be going to my session. I was the happiest person alive.

  At the beginning of this past summer, I took a family cruise with my younger sister, mom, and dad. My sister, who is fourteen months younger than me, met some of the greatest friends in the world. They were from all over the country: one boy from Chicago, another from Texas, another from Georgia, another from Arkansas, and a girl from California. They were all in our age range, twelve to fourteen. We ran around the cruise ship with them all night. Once we got back from the cruise, my sister's and my mind had changed about people who live outside of our little, safe suburb.

  At camp, I was so happy to see all my old friends. Plus, I got to see my best friend, Amanda. Things went great for a while. Then the trouble started. One Saturday, I wanted to head up to the camp's dining hall early to get a soda.

  I kept on saying, "Jenna, I'll meet you up there. I just wanna get a soda quickly."

  But she kept saying, "Julie, you have to wait for me." This went on for two or three minutes.

  I finally said, "I'm going up to get a soda. I'll meet you up there." And I left. The main reason I left so quickly was I had to tell my sister about what just happened. For a few days Jenna and I argued, then finally we made up.

  Then hell broke out again between the two of us. It was time to pick the activity we wanted for the second two weeks. The first time I did tennis and so did Jenna. My best friend Amanda and my other two friends, Daniel la and Anna, and I decided to do music. We were so happy. We all loved to sing.

  But the problem was I told Jenna I would do photography with her. I decided to lie to Jenna. The main reason I did this was because every time we were thinking of an idea I would say, "I wanna do drama," and she would soy, "I wanna do drama, too." Then I would say, "Maybe I wanna do ceramics," and she would say, "I wanna do ceramics, too." This went on for about five activities.

  I thought this was a good decision because at this time I had been getting very annoyed with her. Also, all my other friends agreed I should lie since I should have some time to be with people other than Jenna. Later, she asked what I had signed up for really. I told the truth and I said, "I'm sorry, I signed up for music." She started yelling at me again and we didn't speak for about a week. Just for the record, my performance went great. I stood up in front of the entire camp singing the first verse and chorus of "When You Believe" from The Prince of Egypt.

  Now comes the last part of this epic story. It was the last Saturday of the session. My friends Elana, Anna, Daniella, Jenna, and I were sitting in one of the meeting halls at camp. Jenna had been sitting in the back, while the rest of us were messing around in the front doing our cartwheels and junk like that.

  Jenna said something that we all interpreted as, "Julie, can you go give Amanda her water bottle?" I said no because I didn't know where she was at the moment.

  Jenna suddenly said, "Julie, I was just asking you to give it to her!" I will use my exact words for this next part.

  I said, "I'm not going to walk around the entire fucking camp to give her something when we're both going to be seeing her at the same time!" She got mad and stomped out. I gave her the middle finger while she was walking out and I called her a bitch after she left.

  Both of us were very mad. I was sick and tired of her and 1 wanted to dump her the next time I saw her. You need to know that I am 5' 3" and Jenna is 4' 10" and not the most fit person in the world. I could wrestle her to the ground and beat her up in a second if I wanted to. I found out later Daniel la, Anna, and Elana had gotten annoyed with her, too, and had dumped her later that day.

  You have to understand, I didn't turn
them against her. The main things Jenna talked about were only meeting her grandparents once, about saying her sister was a pest, continually saying "guess what" before she told us anything, and saying "sissy," "horsy," "mommy," "daddy," and "doggie" all the time. You could stand it for about a minute, but soon you would think someone her age should be using more proper language and be a little more mature.

  Jenna was liked by no one in our cabin. I had written my mom about all of these events and she told me we'd work it out at home, but for now, I should just have a great time.

  A week before school started, our school had an orientation. My mom decided I should tell Jenna that we can't be as close as we were, but we can still be friends. I was planning to do that. But when Jenna and I started talking, I felt like it was old times. Then, when all my other friends came, I wanted her to get out of my sight.

  Once school started, I was happy to see my friend I've known since kindergarten, Kathryn. Jenna, Kathryn, and I had the same gym class. Many times Jenna approached me and said, "I feel like you're ignoring me. Are you?" My reply was always, "Jenna, you have to understand I spent a month in a cabin with you and I haven't seen Kathryn for the entire summer." Her reply was always "Okay," but the question arose many times.

  Then came Yom Kippur. My friend Jamie, from temple, asked a bunch of us over including me and Jenna. I was the only one who could make it because I would be going home with Jamie. Jenna couldn't make it, and I was very happy. But Jenna asked me how I was getting there and my reply was, "I'm going home with Jamie." She asked her parents about doing the same, and Jenna joined in. I was not very happy.

  During gym that Tuesday, Jenna approached me and said, "Julie, you were so nice to me on Monday. Why are you ignoring me?" I couldn't stand it anymore. I finally said, "Jenna, I spent a month in a cabin with you and I didn't like it at all!" She, once again, pouted in her corner. To show her my aggressiveness, I stole the soccer ball from her and had an assist in soccer against her team.