Odd Girl Speaks Out Read online

  That day I wrote a note to her saying we could not be friends anymore. She did not take it literally. She later wrote me a note that was mainly insults. Some things it said were: "Why is this problem only about you? I have feelings, too, you know." My thought was that I was the one who was having the problem with her in the first place. And another one was "You can't have people do stuff for you" (because I had another friend, Carrie, give her the note). "Don't you have guts? You needed to come to my face about it."

  My reaction was, too much would come out. I would have said some pretty mean things to her. The day I got that letter I could not stand it anymore. The next day I went to her face and told her we couldn't be friends anymore. I was sick of dealing with this problem because it was putting too much stress on me and I couldn't focus on my schoolwork. I also felt like I couldn't be my own person with her always following me around.

  Our gym teacher said we can come and talk to her when we want to, and I trust her more then my school counselor. Many times I have gone to talk to our gym teacher. Jenna continually has been wanting to sort out this problem, but you have to have two people to sort out the problem and both have to agree with it.

  To this day, Jenna and I are still not friends. She still is giving both me and my sister evil glares. The glares to my sister are because my sister plays the same instruments as her. My sister is much better than Jenna. One day the orchestra teacher asked my sister to sit "first stand," which is an eighth grade stand and my sister is in seventh and Jenna is in eighth. Jenna should have been sitting first stand. Jenna was not very happy when that happened.

  —AGE 14

  Left Out, Left Behind

  When you grow up in a society that tells you to be nice all the time, you not only fear saying you're upset—you probably don't even know how.

  It's not just anger that girls struggle to express. It could be any unhappy feeling: jealousy, competition, feeling annoyed or offended, wanting to spend time with new friends, feeling like you've outgrown someone, and so on.

  When something is hard to say, a lot of girls get quiet. It happens all of a sudden, like a blackout. One minute there's light, and everything's cool; the next it's pitch black and it's undeniable something's changed. You don't know where to go or what to do.

  Girls get quiet because they're afraid to say what they really think. In Odd Girl Out, I asked girls why they didn't say how they were feeling directly. They replied, "I'm afraid to say something I don't mean," or "I'm afraid she won't be my friend anymore." An overwhelming number of girls believed direct conflict would cause people to abandon or hate them.

  That's why when you go up to your friend and ask her if she's mad, the answer is usually no. Or she says she's not really ignoring you or being weird, or whatever it is you suspect she's doing. She is upset, but she's afraid of what will happen if she tells you, so she leaves you in this strange no-man's-land, neither here nor there. She makes you feel crazy. You're sure you know what's going on, but she's telling you otherwise. You want to believe her, but you can't shake the sinking feeling in your stomach that something is really, really wrong.

  When girls outgrow each other, it usually happens like this: You used to be so close, and all of a sudden she's not there anymore. She's with other people at lunch, on the weekend, on the playground. She's distracted, looking over at others while she's hanging with you. The new girls are probably more popular. You ask your friend what's up and she says, "Nothing!" or "I'm just getting to know some other people." And: "I'm not mad."

  First of all, you're not crazy. I promise. Believe what you see.

  Most girls think it's their fault. You must have done something to make her abandon you like this.

  You didn't.

  Clearly, you think, you're a total loser: not cool enough, not pretty enough, not enough of anything.

  You aren't.

  Did you ever hear of the Sirens in Greek mythology? They were three girls beached on a tiny island, and they had incredible singing voices. In fact, they sang so sweetly that anyone who sailed by, minding their own business, was entranced.

  People couldn't help themselves. They had to get closer to those voices, and they forgot everything: their missions, their values, their own names. Once they reached the Sirens, the ladies killed them. Even after the Sirens got a reputation for seduction and murder, people still sailed hypnotically toward their voices. They couldn't think about anything else, and they wanted nothing more.

  Popularity is like one of the Sirens. Your friend who's slipping away from you is in its clutches. She's spellbound by popularity, and she'll do anything to get and stay with the in crowd or person.

  It's not that she doesn't like you. In all likelihood, her feelings for you haven't changed. When you hang out together on your own, it's probably just like old times. But when she gets around Her, or Them, she's different.

  That's not about you. It's about her. This situation happens all the time to many different kinds of girls, and it's one of the most painful social experiences you can have.

  It's certainly possible that you did do something to cause this rift, and in that case you should try to figure out what. I'm not telling you to pretend nothing is wrong. What I'm saying is there's a difference between feeling bad and blaming yourself, and feeling bad because you've been hurt by someone.

  Is your friend a bully because she's acting this way? Not unless she's dissing you openly or behind your back with her new pals. She probably wants to find a way to be your friend and Their friend. Or she might be moving on.

  The question is: Are you willing to accept the way she's treating you? Right now, the friendship is probably happening on her terms. In other words, your friend says when you'll hang out. She says when you won't. She's nice to you when she wants to be. She controls the rules of the relationship.

  Now you have to decide if you want to give her that control.

  Before you act, here are some things to keep in mind: People are allowed to make new friends. BFF doesn't mean only-friendship-I-have-no-one-else-allowed. Just because your friend wants to hang out with other people doesn't mean she's leaving you behind. But it doesn't give you automatic access to all her new friends either.

  If you can accept that there will be other people in her life besides you, you can play an active role in finding a way to be friends that will make both of you feel good. No matter how bad you feel, don't forget that she's probably struggling, too. If you don't admit to that, and accept that you may have to compromise, too, you might not save your friendship.

  I have two very close girlfriends I met in college. Maggie is my roommate in Brooklyn and Jenny lives down the street. Years ago, after some awkward situations, we realized that sometimes we liked "alone time" in pairs. We agreed that there was pleasure in being one-on-one and having a unique connection to someone. Sometimes it made me uncomfortable, for sure, but we agreed that anyone who felt hurt or took it personally was reading too much into it. If we needed to, we talked about our feelings of exclusion. Eventually, we all got used to the arrangement, and now it feels normal, even easy.

  Perhaps you need to make a similar arrangement with your friends. A lot of girls judge the strength of their friendships by how often they hang out, and that's a mistake. If your friend decides to spend time with someone else, it doesn't mean she doesn't like you as much, or that she's talking about you behind your back.

  The more you freak out about it, the more you cling to someone, the more turned off your friend gets. And if it scares you that your friend isn't spending time with you the way she used to, the answer is to find another friend to fill some of those empty spaces—and to work on easing the insecurity you feel.

  You might try asking your friend if she prefers to spend time alone with her new friends, and if that's true, ask if you could arrange for your own alone time together. Maybe you could have a standing date when you hang out or talk, like Maggie and Jenny do. They have dinner together every Monday night.

&nbs
p; If you need to have a serious talk, both of you must commit to asking yourselves and each other some hard questions. On a piece of paper, try writing thoughtful answers to the following:

  • What is she doing that is making me feel sad, hurt, angry, annoyed, or [fill in the blank]?

  • What do I want her to do differently?

  • What can I do for myself to make this change in our friendship easier?

  • What am I doing that is making her feel sad, hurt, angry, annoyed, or [fill in the blank]?

  • What could I do differently to make our friendship better?

  • What can I do for her that would make this change in our friendship easier?

  Both of you have to answer every single question, even if you think you can't possibly come up with the answer. You may look at the questions and sigh and feel angry and want to crumple up the paper and feed it to your dog, but when you're done feeling frustrated, sit down again and think about it.

  When you're ready, talk together about your answers. If you find your talk dissolving into a fight, check out page 148 for some tips on better listening. Even if your friend isn't willing to answer the questions, use your answers to express your feelings to her, in a letter or in person.

  Let's say things aren't going quite so smoothly. Your friendship may not be like old times, even when you're one-on-one. Maybe your friend ignores you when her new posse or friend is around, puts you down, or tells them your secrets. Let's say you try improving the situation using suggestions from earlier in this section, but nothing changes. Then you've got an entirely different situation on your hands, and you should consider other options.

  One of the distinctive characteristics of female aggression is how often it shows up in close relationships. As a result, many girls wind up in abusive friendships. They put up with terrible treatment for months, even years. They often justify staying in the friendship by telling themselves that there are still good times, or that the friend says she's sorry or really can't help it.

  There is no acceptable reason why you should ever be mistreated by a friend; it's nothing short of bullying. It's especially serious when the person doing it to you is your friend. When you're close with someone, they have a lot of power over you: They can influence your feelings about yourself, and your sense of inner peace and comfort. When someone you're close to degrades you repeatedly, or makes you feel bad about yourself, it's no longer friendship.

  When you allow your "friend" to do this to you, consider the messages you're sending to her, and to the world, about yourself.

  a. You deserve to be loved on someone else's terms, or according to someone else's rules.

  b. You don't deserve to be liked all the time, or in a consistent way.

  Is this what you think about yourself? Is this the person you want to be? Many girls grow up thinking this is a friendship, but ask yourself: Would you treat someone this way? So why are you putting up with it? Are you afraid of making other friends? Okay, almost everyone is. Crossing the lunchroom to sit at a new table seems to rank up there with jumping out of an airplane in a parachute made out of Kleenex. Trust me on this: It's not nearly as bad as you think.

  What it comes down to is believing in yourself. Loving yourself. Thinking that, hey, I am a really good friend. I'm fun, loving, trustworthy, and loyal. If you don't think these things about yourself, it's hard to pick someone who will do the same. Everyone likes to say that the mean girls have low self-esteem—that they're jealous, or otherwise in a bad place in life. But what about you? If you're putting up with the way these mean girls treat you, what does that say about the way you feel about yourself? If you are worried that you do not value yourself enough, or if you need help getting out of a bad situation, please see page 178.

  You may not be ready now, tomorrow, or even in a month. But when you are, remember: You have the right to explain to your friend exactly what you don't like about the ways she's treating you. You have the right to respectfully but firmly ask her to stop. And if she doesn't, you have the right to stop speaking to her and being her friend.

  Setting Boundaries: Changing or Ending a Friendship

  What if you're the one outgrowing your friend? It's probably a really exciting time for you. You've met some cool new people, and maybe you feel like they understand you, or bring something out in you, that no one ever has. You're having that thrilling rush of falling into friendship, and you couldn't be happier—except for the fact that your old friend is coming up to you and constantly harassing you to hang out, or asking why you're ignoring her, and you're sick of her following you around.

  What are you supposed to do? Well, it depends. I don't envy your situation. You have a right to make other friends. Wanting to and doing it doesn't automatically make you a bully. The question is how you're going to make the transition.

  First, ask yourself: Do you want to stay friends with her? I mean, really stay friends with her? That means a friendship on terms you both agree to: not just in private or when your new friends aren't around; not just when it's good for you, but a friendship that acknowledges what you both want.

  If you're ready to do that, talk to your friend honestly about what's really going on. As I mentioned earlier, many girls in your shoes deny what's happening to their friends. They assure them that everything's the same. This isn't fair to either of you: to her because you're lying, and she's going to feel crazy because she knows something is different, and to you because you're lying, and you'll feel increasingly as though you have done something very wrong. You will quickly start to resent her because she will get in your way, annoy you, and make you feel bad about yourself.

  The only alternative is honesty, and though it won't be easy at first, the long-term payoff is well worth it. I suggest you try saying something like the following.

  "I love being friends, and I'm not trying to drop you. But I've met some new people that I am really into, and I want some alone time with them. I still want to hang out with you, and I'm not mad at you. Just because I spend time with other people doesn't mean we aren't still really close. No one else can have what we share because it's ours. What can I do to make this easier for you?"

  Listen carefully to what she says. As an alternative, try suggesting you both answer the questions on page 53. Sit down together and talk about your answers. Try to hammer out a compromise that will allow you to stay friends on healthier terms. If you can, ask your guidance counselor to help you through the conversation.

  What if your new friends have made you realize you've outgrown your old friend? What if you want to move on completely? You are entitled to end a friendship with someone, but again, it's all about how you do it. You'll have to accept certain realities that may make you very uncomfortable.

  First, you will not be able to avoid hurting your friend, no matter how much you pretend it's not happening. She will feel sad, even devastated, about losing you.

  Second, you have to tell her directly what is going on. You can't deny it. The more you withhold, the more you hurt her.

  Third, don't, under any circumstances, send her mixed messages. What does that mean? If you're going to stop being friends with her, make the decision and stick to it. If you see her at some point and start acting like you're friends—like at a family function or church or anywhere you have no one else to hang out with—you are confusing and hurting her. You're making it hard for her to move on and accept the decision you've made.

  That doesn't mean you should ignore her when you see her. It's fine to ask how she's doing and make small talk. But if you start laughing about inside jokes, telling secrets, and acting close, you're actually being mean, not nice. You ended the friendship, and you have every right to do that, but it's your responsibility to make and stick to boundaries.

  What are boundaries? They're invisible lines you draw and don't cross. In a romantic relationship, boundaries set limits on any number of things, such as how far you want to go sexually, and when. Girls have trouble with boundaries in f
riendships because girls are raised to be nice to everyone and be everyone's friend. But that's hardly fair. Everyone has the right to set limits. No one can be everything to everyone.

  Fourth, some people—especially your friend's mom—may call you mean, a bitch, or a bully for ending the friendship. We still live in a world that expects girls to be friends with everyone, and you may face a backlash. But as long as you stick to these boundaries, you are doing nothing wrong.

  If you end the friendship by being mean to your old friend—talking about her behind her back with your new friends, revealing her secrets, pointing or whispering or laughing at her while she's around, getting the other girls to ignore or be mean to her—you are indeed bullying her. There is no excuse for turning other people against her, no matter how frustrated you may feel. Talk to a parent or counselor about her if you need to, not her peers. You may think she won't find out when you talk about her behind her back, but how do you know your new friends won't try to "help you out" by letting her know just what you think?

  She Copied Me

  "Ewwww, look at her. She's got such frizzy, red hair. Hee hee!" That's what my friends and I would always say about Mara. Well, at least that's what we thought. Every day of fourth grade she would follow us, mimic us, copy us, and try too hard in front of us.

  It was at the end of fourth grade when it happened. All my friends and I got together and talked about why we didn't like Mara. We all tried to "hide" from her, but it kept getting worse. Don't think that it was just little things. They were huge things that really made us mad. Until one day, I had enough! She was buying the same exact clothes as me. She cut and styled her hair like me! I couldn't stand it! My friends talked to her, and the teacher, but after that she kept "clinging" to us even more. So one day I decided to go to the guidance counselor. We talked and talked, and finally brought Mara in with just two of us. I could tell that she was really getting sad.